Caffeine Fiend Crate

19 reviews

In The Box

Java Juicers

  • GSI Javamill Portable Grinder
  • GSI French Press Thermos
  • Spoon/Clip


  • Alpha Coffee Beans

How It Ships

In a sealed wooden crate with a laser-etched crowbar

  • Orders placed by noon PST will ship out same day
    Orders placed by noon PST will ship out same day
  • Choose your delivery date at checkout
    Choose your delivery date at checkout


Grind It Up and Pound it Down

Do you know a man who's been struggling lately?

Maybe he's lost his vigor when jet skiing through active volcanoes? Or maybe the shark occasionally wins now when he wrestles Great Whites in the octagon? These may be signs of a "serious" "medical" "condition" called DECAF (Decreased Excitement and Caffeine-Associated Fatigue) that plagues millions of men around the world.

But fear not, there's hope! Man Crates Pharmaceuticals, a wholly owned and legally dubious subsidiary of Man Crates, is proud to offer the Caffeine Fiend Crate, the single best treatment for DECAF since our green tea steeped blood transfusions.

Administer as Needed

The Caffeine Fiend secret is a proven, potent elixir known as COFFEE, or Caffeinated Oral Fix For Enhanced Energy. Start with a heaping scoop of Lock & Load Java, wonderbeans roasted in small batches by combat veterans and packed with the all-natural, life-giving powers of Caffeine, aka the Better Vitamin C.

Drop the beans into the GSI Javamill Portable Grinder and tremble at the strength and precision of its powerful blades. He's just a few power cranks away from coffee grounds fit for the gods.

For Oral Use Only

To administer, drop that payload of crushed black diamonds into the GSI French Press Thermos, add hot water, and push slowly to complete the brewing process. The press is portable and insulated, so COFFEE can be administered anywhere, anytime. Repeat process until life is again enjoyable.

Talking about DECAF can be uncomfortable, with the main symptoms including headaches; sensitivity to lights, sounds, and hurtful comments; aggression; and "Ugly Tired Face". But if you care about your male friends and family, you'll get them the DECAF treatment before it's too late.

The Caffeine Fiend Crate from Man Crates Pharmaceuticals. Now there's hope for a better tomorrow...morning.

Customer Reviews

    don Serman
    Jan 30th 2018
    Caffeine fiend crate

    Got it as a gift, beyond ecstatic! High quality products for sure.

    Dec 9th 2017

    I bought this for my husband as a birthday gift. He had so much fun trying to open it and the suggested note was hilarious. We've used the French press while camping and works very well. There are high quality items in this crate. He kept the crate and the crow bar. I'm ordering other items for my husband, dad, and brother this Christmas. Thank you for making gifting so fun Man Crates!

    Mar 15th 2017
    Superior Gift

    Christmas present that I use every day. I just hope the grinder doesn't wear smooth because i intend to use this forever.

    Feb 18th 2017
    Crate is so creative!!!!

    So there was a little hiccup in the shipping and one of the crates did not arrive as expected. However, Robbie was so nice and professional and took care of it. I greatly appreciated how friendly he was, so thank you Robbie. When the crates arrived for my dad and my fiance, they loved them so much! They both loved the creativity of the crates, and of course what was inside. I purchased the coffee fiend for my fiance and the bacon crate for my dad and they were both a hit!

    Jason Peroutka
    Aug 2nd 2016
    Wife Loves It

    This was a gift for my wife's birthday. She is the envy of her department.

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No man has ever gotten an artful arrangement of fruit and said "Holy moly, it's exactly what I wanted!"