INTRODUCING A NEW LAYER OF GIFT SECURITY
Getting gifts is fun, but having them stolen off your porch isn’t. Pirates, the once despicable thieves of the high seas, have been relegated to looting unprotected doorsteps. And now, our free Porch Piracy Protection service is going to ensure they fall even further. Possibly into a pit of spikes.
Man Crates is dedicated to providing exceptional customer service, and it doesn’t stop after the package is delivered. Our new Porch Piracy Protection service is an extension of our High-Five Guarantee, which ensures awesome gifts always make it into the hands of men who deserve them.
CHOOSE FROM THESE EXCLUSIVE OPTIONS
We’ll surround your package with a cloud of angry bees. By the time the thief hears the buzzing, it’s already too late.
We'll send a constantly tweeting teen to send soul-crushing posts about any gift thieves that get within 10 feet of your crate. LOL!
It’s a free TV! What do you mean you don’t want it? Did we mention it’s free? Okay, what if WE pay YOU?
He knows every Dave Matthews song, and he’s happy to sing them for a potential porch pirate. Unfortunately, it seems like he’s misplaced his tuner.
This guy hasn’t worked a child’s birthday party in over a decade, and he’s not happy about his recent economic situation.
“Sir, where are you going? Fine, go ahead and walk away from me, but you can’t walk away from a hole in the Ozone layer!”
Who knows what goes on in the mind of a baboon? It’s a question that’s stumped biologists for centuries. Spoiler alert: It’s anger.
Your basement-variety mouse trap. But way, way bigger. Disassembly instructions included. Painkillers aren’t.
He just got back from fighting hordes of vicious goblins and a five-headed hydra, so protecting your package shouldn’t be a problem.
We asked a mime to distract the porch pirate, or maybe seal him in an invisible box. We haven’t heard back.
Honestly, we just thought a spike pit was funny. Is it a little mean? Definitely, but surely you see our points?
If you’ve read the rest of our services, you know this is the one option a potential porch pirate should actually consider.
Q: "Is there an extra cost for Porch Piracy Protection? Seems expensive."
A: It's 100% free. At Man Crates, we understand the importance of every gift. The thought of stolen crates keeps us awake at night, so we're doing something about it. Sure, we're going to lose a ton of money on this. But you can't put a price on a good night's sleep.
Q: "Does this service work with military addresses?"
A: Affirmative. There's a little more legwork on our part to gain clearance—and crime rates do tend to be fairly low with military addresses. But we have a good relationship with the armed forces and are proud to support our troops with vigilant gift protection. Just maybe don't choose the barbarian option. Military bases tend to frown upon him roaming around the barracks.
Q: "After the gift is picked up, what happens to the spike pit?"
A: Great question. We will deploy a landscaping team at no cost to you. They will remove all spikes, fill in the pit, and re-sod your lawn. They will even plant daisies.
Q: "My daughter is quite a social media troll. Are you hiring? Or can you get her counseling?"
A: Somebody's getting a referral bonus! Good social media shamers are hard to find, so yeah, we're looking to staff up. We'll reach out to her on Tuesday. In the meantime, it would be great if you could get her to unfollow us.
HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY
Porch Piracy Protection doesn't really exist...yet. But rest assured, we're dedicated to doing whatever it takes to keep you satisfied. That's why we still offer all the assistance you need should your package get stolen by real-life porch pirates. Check out the Man Crates High Five Guarantee.