The Forgotten Men of December


We all know a guy who has to deal with the dreaded holiday-overlap birthday every year. Birthday gifts meld into Christmas gifts. New Year’s parties serve as birthday parties. Friends and family completely spacing on their big day because of all the other big days going on. It’s tough being sandwiched between two prominent holidays, annually shortchanged worse than a toll booth operator. So we’re calling on some of the more famous “Forgotten Men of December” to bring attention to this recurring travesty. Do these guys really NEED more gear and gadgets? No. No, they don’t. But it’s not about the size of their yachts, it’s about the cause. And being in the spotlight, they can bring much-needed attention to this epidemic, helping fellow Capricorns get all the celebration and attention they rightfully deserve.

We call out to you, cherished celebrities, to demand birthday equality for the post-Christmas-born masses.

Jimmy Buffett, December 25
This tropical crooner was born on Christmas in 1946! No word on whether or not “Margaritaville” is as listed as his official place of birth. Perhaps a new song about birthday cakes in paradise is in order.

Justin Trudeau, December 25
This handsome Canadian prime minister channeled the magical powers of being born on December 25 into a life of public service. Justin, please pass a law to enforce late-December birthday celebration and let’s see if the movement drifts south of the border.

Kit Harington, December 26
Winter is coming, and so is Kit Harington’s December 26 birthday. Only a man with the courage of Jon Snow can endure such a harrowing date. Not sure if the rumor that the white walkers are going to present Snow with an Exotic Meats Crate for his birthday next season is true or not.

Denzel Washington, December 28See that smile? That’s the smile of a man who knows his late December birthday let him fly under the radar. Now, he’s the best actor in the game. You want ruthless cop? Training Day. You want inspirational football coach? Remember the Titans. Fearless rogue on a mission? Man on Fire. Denzel has it all, including a “forgotten” birthday. But would it kill his next director to throw in a holiday scene in which Denzel blows out the candles?

Lebron James, December 30
On Christmas Day this year, Lebron was worried we all might forgot about his December 30 birthday. So he held an advance celebration by sending Kevin Durant and Draymond Green back to grade school with this dunk (see exhibit A above). To help the cause, Bron, we suggest altering your pregame chalk tradition at the end of the year by throwing birthday candles in the air.

Tiger Woods, December 30
One of the greatest golfers in history was born on December 30. We’d argue that this birth date gives him the superhuman strength to make shots like the above, where he sticks a 6-iron out of the bunker, over water and on the green for a win. We’re thinking he can swap out that Nike hat for an “F.M.D.” hat to generate additional exposure. And if you’re a fan of Tiger, you might want to think about helping him completely elevate his game with one of these.

Val Kilmer, December 31
As 2017 kicks off, remember to celebrate Val Kilmer’s birthday too. The legend who gave us Top Gun’s Iceman has to share his birthday with New Year’s Eve, though if his volleyball game is any indication, he has no crisis of confidence. How cool would it be to see Val make a valiant comeback impersonating Jim Morrison again and crooning such lyrics as, “People are strange…if they don’t celebrate December birthdays apart from major holidays.” So catchy.

Paul Revere, January 1 
The way we see it, this man basically invented America. He was a true patriot, taking an extended break from his trade of silversmithing to keep watch on the British military. It’s no coincidence that this great was born on January 1. What would he think about adding on to his famous quote like this: One if by land, two if by sea, three if by Christmas and New Year’s.