The annual competition for the coveted title of “Favorite Child” is upon us once again.
Father’s Day. A holiday to celebrate long lines of reproductive success. A chance to recognize your Dad’s triumph in the Darwinian struggle to perpetuate the oddball assortment of genetic traits that make your family portraits so…unique. A chance to out-do your siblings and pay down the interest on all the money you’ve borrowed over the years, maybe even earn a little of the old man’s respect.
We take Father’s Day seriously. Not because it gets us out of work like real holidays, but because it offers an opportunity to tell dad all the mushy emotional stuff we don’t usually say. And to tell him better than our siblings. We’ve put together this Man Crates-approved toolbox of tips and tricks to help you win Father’s Day this year.
Do not share this with your siblings.
The Defending Champion
Maybe you’re already the favored child, the golden one, the kid who’s pretty much a shoe-in to inherit the family castle and surrounding lands. You’ve clawed your way to the top through years of personal overachievement and by just being generally better at things than your siblings. Don’t think resting on your laurels will hold the spot for another year. You need fresh tactics.
Wake him up at 6 a.m. and bring him cold cereal in bed.
The Comeback Kid
You’ve fallen from the top spot by living at home a little too long, changing majors one too many times or returning the car with an empty gas tank way too often. That’s okay. This is your chance to clean the slate and get back in Dad’s good graces. There’s no better time than Father’s Day to prove your recent disappointments are just a slump and you’re still the favorite child that once inspired pride.
Stop at the 7-11 on the way home and pick up a $10 iTunes gift card and a Hallmark card.
Remember the intangibles. Mow the lawn, fill up the gas tank and give a gift that he’ll remember. We humbly submit that sending Dad the best gift in the world has a 107% chance of making pops struggle, smile and think at least a little more highly of you.
The Cellar Dweller
You’ve been at the bottom for so long that you’ve decided to just get comfortable instead of climbing back to the world of respectability. You might literally live in your dad’s basement. Well, we’re here to inspire and assure you it’s never too late. So what if your siblings are “mature adults” with “real jobs” and don’t have “rap sheets the length of a COSTCO grocery list.” You’ve set the bar so low over the past few years that even the most average of efforts is guaranteed to impress. You’re primed to make big moves this Father’s Day.
Emerge from the basement in just your pajamas, interrupting the lovely gathering your responsible siblings planned, grab a beer and honorably tip it toward your pops while silently retreating back to your cave of parental disappointment.
Intercept the Man Crate one of your responsible siblings was sending and add your name to the card. Your dad will think it’s from both of you, but he’ll be more impressed with you.
The Only Child
Congratulations, you’re automatically the favorite child. But you’re also automatically the least favorite child too. There wouldn’t be country songs about the elderly leaving everything to strangers they met at the bar if it didn’t really happen–you’d be wise not to assume anything. Don’t strive for winning by default this Father’s Day, play for pride and restore meaning to the word “favorite.”
Offer to make Father’s Day dinner and surprise him with Tofurkey burgers that will inevitably end up in the trash.
Spend some quality time doing something he loves, like drinking beer and napping on the lake, a.k.a. fishing.
Celebrate your loving dad this Father’s Day by making sure he loves you the most!