While we’ve long fantasized carting kayak-sized mammoth bones home from the butcher shop or grabbing takeout from El Dodo Loco, the sad reality is the most savory species of the Paleolicious Era went extinct thousands of years ago.
It wasn’t worldwide freezer burn from the Ice Age that did them in. Nor was it climate change-- what we like to call Mother Nature’s extremely slow slow-cooker. These animals disappeared because they were the most delicious. To put it simply, they were eaten into extinction.
But if the irresponsible misuse of science has taught us anything, it’s that some things are too delicious to stay dead. Modern clone-breeding technology is giving these species a second chance, and the Man Crates Genetically Engineered Meats Crate is giving humanity a first taste.
Man Crates has partnered with Sweden’s Centrum för Kött Vetenskap, the world’s preeminent genetics lab and genius incubator of the IKEA meatball, to genetically resurrect long passed species for mass, jerkied consumption.
Unprecedented? Sure. Preposterous? How dare you. Delicious? Indescribably so.
We won’t bore you with all the complex science we don’t understand. All we know is that these Swedish superstars claim they can grow artificial versions of prehistoric species, and we’re determined/delusional enough to believe them.
With their massive nerd brains and our mastery of all things jerky, we’re whisking the world of jerky into its fantastic future: the prehistoric past.
Contrary to that overwrought thinkpiece in TIME, we’re not trying to play god. We’re playing head chef and high priest, preparing succulent meat fit for the gods beginning with the behemoth of bushmeat: Cajun-Cured Mammoth Belly. We’ve taken ten pounds of tender, test tube-bred Woolly Mammoth meat and treated it to some good ol’ fashion Southern seasoning.
The Genetically Engineered Meats Crate also features the colossus of cloned and cured meats: original Woolly Mammoth, Sesame Ginger Giant Sloth, and Spicy Sabertooth Jerkies. And for a DNA-spliced and delicately sliced snack, four delicious meat sticks: Sweet Maple Dodo, Teriyaki Tasmanian Tiger, Peppered Procoptodon, and Spicy Siberian Unicorn.
The Genetically Engineered Meats Crate stands fearless and unfettered at the forefront of an expanding flavor frontier, and it’s becoming abundantly clear, the future of jerky is the past.
This item is a pre-order and will not ship until early 2017. Read the full announcement.
Jerky has not been approved by the FDA.
04/1/2016 Charles Brown Genetically Engineered Meats Crate 4
This jerky is almost perfect. Unfortunately, they only offer the Woolly Mammoth in Original and Sweet Maple. Where is the Teriyaki Mammoth?
04/1/2016 Raul Reality Genetically Engineered Meats Crate 5
This was the best meat I've ever tasted! Full of meaty deliciousness from the best meat people in the meat world!
04/1/2016 Narq Genetically Engineered Meats Crate 5
The only thing about animals becoming extinct: the loss of all that good meat. And now, thanks to Centrum för Kött Vetenskap, we can go back in time and enjoy what our caveman brethren enjoyed! Man, these are some amazing jerkys. As a man who enjoys a little heat while I hunt for protected and delicious meat, I absolutely love the Spicy Sabertooth Jerky. I work up a sweat on this juicy and spicy delight. You better buy up some of this stuff now before this meat becomes extinct (once again)!