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Our Unpredictable College Predictions

Posted by Man Crates on

Shhh. Listen for a second. Hear that French horn bellowing in the distance? It’s College Marching Band season, aka College Football season. At Man Crates, in addition to being the home for awesome gifts for men, we are also proud college football enthusiasts. Who isn’t amped for more unfathomable finishes like this? And remember when Hawaii made a highly unlikely appearance in the Sugar Bowl? Sure they lost by 35, but that was fun. Without further ado, we give you the 1st Annual Man Crates College Football Preview.

The Heisman Trophy Race
Photo courtesy of MECU - Own work, CC BY-SA 2.5,

Everyone who voted against the winner can talk to the hand.

Heisman usually given to quarterbacks that are destined for NFL greatness. Renowned players like Tim Tebow, Johnny Manziel, Danny Wuerffel, Troy Smith, Matt Leinart…okay, bad examples. Let’s take a look at the candidates:

Christian McCaffrey, Stanford, RB
When we last saw McCaffrey, he was single-handedly defenestrating Iowa from the Rose Bowl. Last year, he broke the FBS single-season yards from scrimmage mark and laid waste to the Pac 12. Even Stanford fans are saying “Perhaps we should put down our Chardonnay and watch this chap.”

JT Barrett, Ohio St, QB
If it always seems like the Buckeyes have nine quarterbacks, it’s because they do. They are notorious hoarders. But Barrett is the starter this year on a team that should run plow through the Big 10 with ease.

Ohio St. triumphantly scores against… oh, Ohio St.

DeShaun Watson, Clemson, QB
In the time it took to type this sentence, Clemson just scored three TDs. That’s how ridiculous their offense is.

Leonard Fournette, LSU, RB
Fournette doesn’t just shed tacklers, he sends them flying across the field like popcorn kernels. If you’ve ever wondered what Bo Jackson or Hershel Walker were like in college, watch Fournette.

Robert Martin, Rutgers, RB
Of course we need one dark horse candidate, and what’s more obscure than a player from Rutgers? It wasn’t easy to find a Rutgers player with decent stats, but we did it! No, seriously, Rutgers, stay in the Big 10, it’s working out great!

Man Crates Heisman Pick: Brent Stockstill, Middle Tennessee State, QB

To be honest, we just really like the name and it’s no fun picking the favorites. But he did throw for 4,000 yards and 30 TDs last year. His “stock” just went up! Sorry, not sorry.

2016 College Football Playoff Predictions

In case you missed it, College Football now gives us a Final Four in addition to 374 bowl games. We know you can’t wait for next year’s Beef O’Grady Bowl or the rich tradition of the TaxSlayer Bowl, but here are our predictions for the playoffs.

Semi-final 1: Northwestern 32, USC 26

Why Northwestern? Because nothing good ever happens to Northwestern in sports. They’ve never even made the NCAA tourney in basketball. That’s virtually impossible for a power conference school. They are so due. All they need to do is win the Big 10…a conference that includes schools like Indiana, Purdue and Minnesota. Piece of cake. This is their year!

Semi-final 2: Miami 41, Alabama 2

College football is just better when the U is great. Alabama has had their time in the sun. It’s enough already. Plus, imagine Nick Saban’s face after a 41-2 loss?

National Champion: Miami (Miami 37, Northwestern 25)

The odds of a scandal of some sort unfolding after this championship are about as high as a luxury skyscraper of South Beach condos. But look, everything is coming up aces for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson these days, so it just feels right that his alma mater would bring home the hardware.

Miami has an unblemished tradition of winning since the 1980s. Don’t fact-check this.

Whether your favorite football fan’s team is fighting for a national title or just fighting to finish out of the basement for the first time in a decade, one thing is certain. A guy can’t properly root on his team with just any old pint glass. Guarantee a winning watching experience with the College Barware Crate.