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Our Superb Souped-up Super Bowl Preview

Posted by Man Crates on


Here is a hard truth about this year's Super Bowl. It involves one team you probably don't care much about (Atlanta Falcons) and one team you despise if you're not from New England. But that's okay, this is true most years. Regardless, we’re going to help make this game even more fun, whether you're a football junkie or not.

First, if you're not that into football, here are a couple of ways to sound smart during the game.

  1. When the Falcons are on defense, randomly say "Wow, I'm surprised they are going with the nickel D here." Most people will just agree for fear of not knowing whether or not the team is in nickel. Later in the game, jump it up a notch and declare "Wow, now the Pats are playing dime, interesting call by defensive coordinator Matt Patricia, and what a beard on that fellow."
  2. After a touchdown, proclaim "don't go anywhere folks, the new extra point distance has really ruined these little kickers' fragile psyches."
  3. When a team is at the goal line and decides to pass, joke "Is Pete Carroll calling these plays?" Then laugh uproariously. Pats fans will eat this up. When someone calls a timeout, shout “Andy Reid alert!”
  4. If any player fumbles or throws an interception or just generally acts the fool say, "Well that was very Jetsian!" Feel free to replace Jetsian with "Brownish" or "Lions-esque."
  5. When a pass interference is called, complain, “Why don’t they ever enforce the uncatchable pass rule anymore?” Then wave your hand above your head.
  6. When there's a holding penalty, casually sigh and mention, "They could call holding on every play if they wanted to." Boom, you're at Troy Aikman's level now and definitely a step ahead of Phil Simms.


Pat the Patriot: The great great great great great great great grandson of Paul Revere.

Giving Props
Let's talk Super Bowl propositions. There are some truly wacky prop bets out there this year. PRO TIP: Bet the coin flip. If you're going to lose money, at least be able to blame pure randomness and get it out of the way early so you can enjoy the game. Another PRO-TIP: Tails never fails (except for 50% of the time). If you want more action, here are a few fun props:

Over/under on the length of the National Anthem: 127.5 seconds
Unless it's a speed metal band, always take the over. This year it's country singer Luke Brian. A country singer can turn one syllable into four with great ease.

Over/under on how many times Peyton Manning appears in a Super Bowl commercial: 1.5
This feels low, doesn't it? Manning's got a lot more free time now, expect at least three.

Will Tom Brady announce his retirement after this game if Pats win the Super Bowl? Yes +250, No -300
This is an easy no. Brady eats, sleeps and dreams football. We get it, you like football, Tommy. He’ll play until his arm falls off in 2030 and then he’ll play with a robotic arm for 20 more years. But, you can bet there are 31 teams that wouldn't mind if he did hang it up. And probably one commissioner.

“Hey, that guy tried to tackle me!”

Prepare to Eat in Style
We’ve now reached the Super Bowl party portion of the program. Don’t settle for run-of-the-mill potato chips and dips this year. Go for it like Belichick on 4th-and-1, and put together a killer taco dip that all will enjoy. It’s not that hard. PRO-TIP: A 7-layer dip has too many layers. We’re not building a wall here. Stick to the essentials. Here’s one of our favorite Super Bowl recipes.

Touchdown Taco Dip

What you need

  • 8-10 ounces Philadelphia cream cheese (low fat so as not to be gluttonous, it’s a 4-hour game)
  • 1 can turkey chili
  • 12 ounces salsa
  • 2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
  • 1 avocado (stock up on them now, before they’re taxed!)

How to make it
Whip and spread the cream cheese as the bottom layer into an oven safe pan or dish. Next, add the turkey chili, preferably one with black beans. Then add your salsa layer. After this step, volunteer to go get some beer and cleverly ask someone to turn the avocado into guacamole while you’re out, because this is the hard part. Add a thin layer of guac and then top it off with the shredded cheddar cheese. Do not add sour cream, that’s overkill. Heat for 15 minutes at 350 degrees.


Wanted, for humiliating cornerbacks everywhere.

Super Bowl Mini-drinking Game
Spice up this year’s game with a little responsible drinking. We strongly recommend playing this for only one quarter of the game.

1 Sip: Anytime Troy Aikman agrees with Joe Buck and says a variation of “You’re right, Joe” or “That’s true” or “Yes, we talked about it all week.” Take 4 sips if Troy ever disagrees with Joe. This never happens.

2 Sips: If at any time the following names or phrases are referenced: Deflate-gate, Spy-gate, Helmet Catch, Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, Gronk, Jerry Glanville, Jamal Anderson or Arthur Blank’s ghostly visage.


Great season, Matt. But are you elite?

3 Sips:
If anyone mentions that Matt Ryan has “never really won a big game” or questions whether he’s elite or not. Take a bonus sip if they discuss whether Matt Ryan or Tom Brady deserved the MVP.

4 Sips: If Bill Belichick is shown expressing emotion of any kind or if he’s in Sith Lord mode (this is when his hoody is up).

5 Sips
: Anytime anyone references classic Super Bowl commercials like this one or this one.

Finish your drink: If anything at all interesting or relevant is ever revealed from a sideline reporter.

Halftime Activities
Halftime is as important for you as it is for the players. You need to regroup from all the eating and drinking. Here are some ideas.

  • Go outside and have a catch.
  • Walk around the block or adjust your recliner back and forth a few times.
  • Go to the bathroom and give yourself a pep talk.
  • Bemoan why your favorite team isn’t playing.
  • Drink some Smart Water from a NFL Barware Glass.
  • Put one of your friends through Concussion protocol.
  • Joke about that time The Who were terrible during halftime.
  • Shop for NFL Barware

NFL Pint Glasses

Tale of the Tape: Boston Vs Atlanta
Now it’s time to get down to it. Anyone can break this game down using cold, hard statistical analysis. That’s easy. We will instead compare and contrast these two cities from a pop culture perspective to find a winner.

AtlantaBostonEdge
Best Movies
Deliverance, The Notebook
The Departed, The Verdict
Boston
Best TV Shows
Atlanta, Designing Women
Cheers, Rizzoli & Isles
Boston
Best Bands
REM, Deerhunter
Aerosmith, Cars, Pixies
Boston
Best Food
Barbecued Meats
Clam Chowdah
Atlanta
Best Drink
Scarlett O'Hara
Pint of Sam Adams
Atlanta
Most Iconic Figure
Martin Luther King, Jr.
John Adams
Atlanta

There you have it, this game will end in a 3-3 tie. The numbers don’t lie, people. Take Atlanta at +3 and the under of 60 points. Enjoy the game, everyone!