Here is a hard truth about this year's Super Bowl. It involves one team you probably don't care much about (Atlanta Falcons) and one team you despise if you're not from New England. But that's okay, this is true most years. Regardless, we’re going to help make this game even more fun, whether you're a football junkie or not.
First, if you're not that into football, here are a couple of ways to sound smart during the game.
Pat the Patriot: The great great great great great great great grandson of Paul Revere.
Let's talk Super Bowl propositions. There are some truly wacky prop bets out there this year. PRO TIP: Bet the coin flip. If you're going to lose money, at least be able to blame pure randomness and get it out of the way early so you can enjoy the game. Another PRO-TIP: Tails never fails (except for 50% of the time). If you want more action, here are a few fun props:
Over/under on the
length of the National Anthem: 127.5 seconds
Unless it's a speed metal band, always take the over. This year it's country singer Luke Brian. A country singer can turn one syllable into four with great ease.
Over/under on how
many times Peyton Manning appears in a Super Bowl commercial: 1.5
This feels low, doesn't it? Manning's got a lot more free time now, expect at least three.
Will Tom Brady
announce his retirement after this game if Pats win the Super Bowl? Yes +250, No
This is an easy no. Brady eats, sleeps and dreams football. We get it, you like football, Tommy. He’ll play until his arm falls off in 2030 and then he’ll play with a robotic arm for 20 more years. But, you can bet there are 31 teams that wouldn't mind if he did hang it up. And probably one commissioner.
“Hey, that guy tried to tackle me!”
Prepare to Eat in Style
We’ve now reached the Super Bowl party portion of the program. Don’t settle for run-of-the-mill potato chips and dips this year. Go for it like Belichick on 4th-and-1, and put together a killer taco dip that all will enjoy. It’s not that hard. PRO-TIP: A 7-layer dip has too many layers. We’re not building a wall here. Stick to the essentials. Here’s one of our favorite Super Bowl recipes.
Touchdown Taco Dip
What you need
How to make it
Whip and spread the cream cheese as the bottom layer into an oven safe pan or dish. Next, add the turkey chili, preferably one with black beans. Then add your salsa layer. After this step, volunteer to go get some beer and cleverly ask someone to turn the avocado into guacamole while you’re out, because this is the hard part. Add a thin layer of guac and then top it off with the shredded cheddar cheese. Do not add sour cream, that’s overkill. Heat for 15 minutes at 350 degrees.
Wanted, for humiliating cornerbacks everywhere.
Super Bowl Mini-drinking Game
Spice up this year’s game with a little responsible drinking. We strongly recommend playing this for only one quarter of the game.
1 Sip: Anytime Troy Aikman agrees with Joe Buck and says a variation of “You’re right, Joe” or “That’s true” or “Yes, we talked about it all week.” Take 4 sips if Troy ever disagrees with Joe. This never happens.
2 Sips: If at any time the following names or phrases are referenced: Deflate-gate, Spy-gate, Helmet Catch, Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, Gronk, Jerry Glanville, Jamal Anderson or Arthur Blank’s ghostly visage.
Great season, Matt. But are you elite?
3 Sips: If anyone mentions that Matt Ryan has “never really won a big game” or questions whether he’s elite or not. Take a bonus sip if they discuss whether Matt Ryan or Tom Brady deserved the MVP.
4 Sips: If Bill Belichick is shown
expressing emotion of any kind or if he’s in Sith Lord mode (this is when his hoody is up).
5 Sips: Anytime anyone references classic Super Bowl commercials like this one or this one.
Finish your drink: If anything at all interesting or relevant is ever revealed from
a sideline reporter.
Halftime is as important for you as it is for the players. You need to regroup from all the eating and drinking. Here are some ideas.
Tale of the Tape: Boston Vs Atlanta
Now it’s time to get down to it. Anyone can break this game down using cold, hard statistical analysis. That’s easy. We will instead compare and contrast these two cities from a pop culture perspective to find a winner.
|Best Movies||Deliverance, The Notebook||The Departed, The Verdict||Boston|
|Best TV Shows||Atlanta, Designing Women||Cheers, Rizzoli & Isles||Boston|
|Best Bands||REM, Deerhunter||Aerosmith, Cars, Pixies||Boston|
|Best Food||Barbecued Meats||Clam Chowdah||Atlanta|
|Best Drink||Scarlett O'Hara||Pint of Sam Adams||Atlanta|
|Most Iconic Figure||Martin Luther King, Jr.||John Adams||Atlanta|
There you have it, this game will end in a 3-3 tie. The numbers don’t lie, people. Take Atlanta at +3 and the under of 60 points. Enjoy the game, everyone!