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An Ode to Pizza: How Do We Love Thee, Let Us Count the Slices

Posted by Heather Jabornik on

If ever there was a culinary delight that could bring about world peace, pizza would be it. Think about it: it’s hot, cheesy, a giant carb, and can be customized to your heart’s content. It can showcase meat, veggies and fruit and can even be prepared specially for a gluten-free or vegan diet. It’s a comfort food, a celebration food and the most delivered food in America. Pretty much only serial killers and beanie baby collectors don’t like it, but that’s hearsay. This is an ode to pizza. We love you, pizza. Let us count the ways.

YOU BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER

94% of Americans eat you on the reg. We also eat 100 acres of you a day—that’s 350 slices a second. But that makes sense because 3 billion of you are sold annually in the U.S. There is no doubt that all of this eating is done largely by families and friends who’ve come together to embark on a journey of dietary joy, and for that, pizza, we salute you. Your ability to bring us together knows no bounds.

YOU DON’T JUDGE US WHEN WE EAT TOO MUCH OF YOU

Pizza, we can always count on you to love us for exactly who we are even when we love you just a little too much. You even go so far as to ensure our risk of esophageal cancer is reduced if we just eat you once a week. This of course makes no sense whatsoever, but apparently it’s true. Thank you. Cancer’s the worst and you’re the best.

YOUR EUROPEAN ORIGINS MAKE US ALL JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE CULTURED

Italy is the land dreams are made of. It’s no wonder it’s your home. Modern designer fashion began in Italy in the ‘50s when a dignitary held a private fashion show in his Florencian palace. High fashion mixed with art was established as the it-thing for the upper class, and as it spread among pop culture, everyday folks incorporated it into their style. The same can be said of you.

Though pizza as flatbread started with the Babylonians, Israelites and Egyptians, and pizza with toppings can be attributed to the Greeks and Romans, YOU got your start with Italian baker and heroic wonderman Raffaele Esposito. Obviously no one could keep quiet about you, so you rightfully made your way to Spain, France, England and the United States through Italian immigrants. Probably the same folks whose fashion was undeniably better than ours. From there, “la vita é bella!” is all any of us could say. And even though we’re probably saying it with a crappy Italian accent, life is still beautiful because of you!

YOU ARE AN OPTION-FILLED MASTERPIECE, NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT

It doesn’t matter whether we use a traditional oven or get a little more adventurous on the grill. It doesn’t even matter what kind of sauce, cheese, toppings or dough we use because you are the picture of perfect hospitality to all. The combinations are endless. You are truly in a league of your own and we can’t express our creative adoration enough. Apparently, neither can anyone at the International Pizza Expo because that is RIGHTFULLY A THING.

Pizza, we adore you. We’ve counted the ways and we could count many more. Keep on outshining all the other culinary options out there as our staple, our favorite, our Commander in Cheese. Slices up.