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Care Packages That Care

Posted by Man Crates on

He’s gone. Your baby boy is all grown up and off to college. Now what? Count on Man Crates to help you deliver cratefuls of smotherly love, minus the lipstick smudges on his cheek.

First off, congratulations. You raised a responsible human person. Maybe “responsible” is a stretch, but he can write his name and brush his teeth, so you couldn’t have screwed up too badly. And now he’s gone—packed his duffel, rolled up his Lamborghini poster and set out to make his mark on the world—hopefully not with a can of spray paint. The house is yours. Hallelujah.

But here’s the thing. You want him back. But not really. But sort of. But nah. Point is, Empty Nest Syndrome is a real thing, and whereas you just exhaled the most liberating sigh of your life, you were also left with the most gaping hole in your heart since the final episode of Friday Night Lights. “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!”

At Man Crates, we understand. And it’s perfectly normal to want your son back, but here’s how we see it: You don’t really want him back. You want him to want to come back. For you, just knowing he’s still tethered to your apron strings from afar will satisfy your need to actually have him around. And that’s where we can help.

Now, any parent can send a care package, but a box of burnt sugar cookies won’t cut it. You want him to miss you, not begrudge your baking skills.

You need to up your care package game to the point even his dorm mates are pining for your embrace. So strike quickly and with impact, because after a week or two at college, he’s liable to pledge a frat or get caught up with his studies (j/k!) and not be as susceptible to your Machiavellian treasures. Trust us. This is our business.

So picture your son and his pals at mail call, all jonesing for postal swag, and then your boy is handed The Bacon Crate.

First of all, it’s a wooden crate. Care packages for college kids typically arrive in boxes looking as if they were regurgitated by a tiger shark.

Our crates look like they toppled off a pallet on a cargo ship that’s transporting exotic monkeys. Secondly, your son will be seen wielding a crowbar as he pries it open, demonstrating to his peers how one puts the word “man” in “freshman.” And fourthly (crowbar counts as two), the crate’s filled with preserved meat, including a snack called Sir Francis Bacon Peanut Brittle. Mic drop. Your son just went from asthmatic kid in Room 14 to Top Pig in the pen.

And as much as he’ll welcome the dorm-cred a pork-filled crate yields, what will ultimately resonate is how much he loves the bitchin’ folks who sent it.

Or you could send him the Outdoor Survival Ammo Can.

So while other parents send their sons jokey “survival” kits with deodorant and Emergen-C, your kit will help him escape an actual hostage situation—see Paracord knife with firestarter. Who in college would hold your son hostage? Great question. We don’t know. Maybe a rival school, maybe the French House. Whoever it is, tunneling his way to freedom will be way easier with a collapsible shovel. Bottom line, this care package says to a child, “I care that you stay alive.” Because you do. And it’s delivered in an authentic military ammo can, which doubles as a stepping stool to his loft bed. Really, what young man wouldn’t want his college nickname to be Rambo?

And speaking of the military, maybe your son chooses boot camp rather than book camp. In which case, he could really use a manly care package, since he’ll be dealing with this guy…

And although Sergeant Sour Puss actually helps your plight, being that your son will long for his bedroom even more, you still need to prove your relevance. Do it with a Man Crate, because care packages for soldiers mean more when opening one comes with the side benefit of improved tactical skills. Start him with The Caffeine Fiend crate.

It will come in handy those first few weeks at 0500 hours when Gomer Pyle comes a-banging on that garbage can. He’ll appreciate an empathetic gesture more than he would a bag of Twizzlers, not to mention, his bunkmates will realize their parents don’t love them half as much as your son’s parents love him.

So now that we’ve planted some killer care package ideas into your noggin, what are you waiting for? Your son’s fresh to the world, and you need to make sure he doesn’t forget where he came from. But really, doesn’t your kid just deserve something cool? That’s what this is actually about. Because as much as you want him to remain a mama’s boy, the truth is, you just love him more than anything in the world and want him to smile. So focus on that.